I know, it’s pretty scary to think that the end is so near. But there’s really nothing at all to worry about!!!

Really. I’m serious.

I just came across some compelling evidence that the Mayan calendar ended on 12/21/2012 not to mark the end of the world. No, not at all. It’s just the last entry they made before their jobs were outsourced.

Let me explain:

The Mayans had 2 full time calendar guys. They’re sole job was to keep working the calendar forward into the future. They did a great job. The only problem was that the parent company – the one that held all those public beheadings

to bring fertility to the land – was in a financial bind. They couldn’t afford the salaries of the two well paid expert calendar guys any more because  the CEO (Chief Execution Officer) of the parent company wanted that THIRD HAREM and he only had 2 harems with only 24 wives in each. Oh, and he also wanted the new…. I don’t know what you call them but it was one of those gold encrusted little boxes with the poles that the slaves would put on their shoulders and cart the CEO around… yeah well one of those he really wanted the new one and if he didn’t get all  his bonuses that year well, how the hell do you expect him to live without that new bevy of 24 wives and the new (limo – I guess it was an ancient Mayan limo or whatever you call it). I mean, how is a guy supposed to survive with only 48 wives, anyway? Especially since they were last years models and they had already reached the old age of 19. Duh!

So they outsourced the Calendar making to the Incas. They used to be at war with the Incas but now they’re good trading partners and hey what the heck you could get 6 Incas to work for the price of 2 Mayans. So the Incas took over the calendaring and the CEO of “Beheadings R Us” got his 24 new wives and his new gold encrusted limo and all was good.

But then what happened was totally unexpected and unpredicted… the 2 “cheap labor” Incas took 10 times longer to get the same amount of work done as their Mayan counterparts. They knew going in that the Incas spent 6 or 7 hours of their 8 hour work day in siesta, but they didn’t factor that in to the cost savings estimates because they don’t factor that in to anything else, so why start now?

After running the numbers, it was determined that the project was experiencing “Scope Creep” – you know, when the project ends up way bigger than originally intended. After reviewing the Calendaring operations, they determined that the entire project was an “unnecessary luxury” and they had 3000 years into the future anyway. Besides, the CEO of the Inca’s “House of Religious Atrocities” saw the new batch of 24 wives that the Mayan CEO got and he determined that he could get a little more of that same action if they didn’t have the burden of employing these bothersome calendar makers.

So it was decided. The Calendaring operation was shut down and the Calendar guys were laid off. The CEO’s of both the Mayan and Incan religious organizations borrowed against the future cost savings they had both incurred, and not only that they get big fat bonuses because they were so smart and saved their empires so much money.

On the day that the calendaring guys put the 12/21/2012 entry in the calendar, Security showed up, escorted them to their lockers and out of the building.

That same week a bi-partisan resolution was passed into law in both empires that the calendaring operation would be resumed at some later date, but it would be their Grandchildren’s Grandchildren’s responsibility to fix it. They needed that much time to pay off the debt they incurred by bailing out the religious sector after it was determined that all the layoffs had caused an unexpected reduction in the Rainmaker Tax revenue stream.

So, the world won’t come to an end in 2012. The Mayans didn’t think that 12/21/2012 would be the last day of existence. Both empires fell to famine and disease several hundred years later and they never got to resume the calendar making operation.

NOTE: this is entirely parody. Aztecs, Incas, Mayans… I don’t even know if they lived at the same time in history or even had knowledge of each other. I’m just drawing an analogy because I’m bored and this stupid idea popped into my head. I thought it was funny. If you don’t like it, remember my motto: IJDGAF


Love and Prosperity to you ALL! Have an AWESOME Day!